It has been a long time. My excuse is always the same. Life is busy. It really is. I know it is for all of you. But I guess I had something to say tonight, to "lighten my load" so-to-speak.
Tonight I got my first real experience of separation anxiety from my children. Does that make sense? I guess I have always known it would come. I guess I have sensed it coming on for the past several months...but tonight, when it really hit,...it also really hurt. I'm not trying to give this certain child (to whom I am referring) a guilt trip. He/she is only acting naturally. But I need to give myself a break too. I am a Mom of teenagers and crying over them is natural too, I'm sure. Ok, ok, I will stop being so cryptic and just tell my story...
I grew up in a situation where I had no one to talk to about personal teenager "stuff". Well, of course, I had my siblings. We were always very close. And I had Ruth Tuckett, Susan Haws, Karen Bloxam (sp?), Maggie Egbert, Sandy Leavitt, and many other wonderful "Moms" to turn to. (Thank you all, by the way! I will always love each of you and thank God for the woman you helped me become.) But, I did not have my own mom to turn to...and it isn't so easy for a teenage girl to turn to her dad...(even though he really did his best. He's a good dad.) Anyway...
Chad has wonderful parents. I love them deeply. But Chad never really felt comfortable as a teenager to talk to his parents either. I am finding out, no matter how painfully, that this is the rule, and not the exception.
So, on that note, Chad and I have always tried our best to be completely open and honest with our children. We have tried to build a relationship of trust with them so they know they can turn to us about anything. I naively, and arrogantly, believed I was exempt from the rule that teenagers trust their friends and turn to their friends more than they do their parents. HA! What a fool am I! ha ha...Ya, now that I have stopped crying and have stepped back from the situation, I can laugh at myself and see how truly arrogant I have been.
This particular dear child of mine is going through a situation that he/she 'discusses' through many texts with 'certain' friends that she/he absolutely will not discuss whatsoever with me. I tried very delicately and cautiously to ask about it, only to get my head practically ripped from my body. Then, the silence and texting began again...which I was sure at the moment was about his/her lame parents since she/he asked me how to spell the word "interregate". He/she actually told this friend that her/his parents were interregating him/her!
Well, this dear child of mine has become more and more testy and short with Chad and I over the last several weeks. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on eggshells around this kid. I feel like Chad and I can do nothing right. (Please tell me this sounds familiar to some of you out there...) Well, my heart has been cracking bit by bit, but tonight for some particular reason, my dang heart just crumpled and broke. I exploded at this child. The child was completely oblivious as to why his/her mother was freaking out on him/her. He/she seriously had no clue that her/his behaviour was anything less than normal...(Well, now that I have calmed down and am releasing through this blog, I can see how silly I have been and I can see that his/her behaviour truly HAS been normal for this time in her/his life.)
Anyway, I got my feelings hurt...but I am a mom. My kids are growing up, whether I like it or not. I will get over it. (Won't I?! ;) ) The crazy thing is, most of the time I kind of enjoy that they are independant. I guess no matter what, I will always foolishly want to be #1 to them...and that just ain't gonna happen. And I know it. And I have just got to deal with it. I will always love them. I will always be here for them...if and whenever they want or need me. And that will do just fine...
Goodnight.
