Cancer Part 3 - Chemotherapy

In the early fall of 1998 we were sent to Dr. Alton Wagnon. He would be my primary oncologist through this entire mess. This is when reality set in. In our 2nd or 3rd meeting, Dr. Wagnon had researched my cancer enough to lay out a plan of attack...and let us know what the odds were. Less than 15%. I had less than a 15% chance to be alive after 5 years.

Osteosarcoma in the trunk, especially in the area of the chest, and encroaching on the spinal cord, is VERY rare. I cannot remember exactly how many cases he said there had been in the literatue he researched, but it was in the low double-digits. Most often osteosarcoma occurred in teens in the long bones (legs, arms, etc.) and resulted in an amputation to remove the disease. In all surgeries involving malignant tumors, the goal is to remove the tumor with a margin.

It was explained to me to think of the tumor as the pit of a peach. In the surgery, they want to remove the entire peach. This makes it much more likely that you will survive as the cancer cells can be migrating in the space around the tumor, and removing that extra tissue means you are keeping the cancer from growing. This is different from metastasis, which is when the cancer moves to entire other body parts (lungs, liver, lymph nodes, etc.) but along the same lines.

Keep the cancer from growing or moving, kill it, and remove it, and maybe you will survive.

In my case removing a margin was impossible. My tumor had grown into my spine and was beginning to encroach upon the dura, or the lining of the spinal cord. So, since you can't live with a good 3 or 4 inch chunk of your spin removed, there was no way to remove the tumor with a margin.

So we had to hope that chemotherapy would do the trick. Heavy chemo and lots of it. I had the good, and bad, fortune of being young, big, healthy, and relatively strong. This meant a heavier load of chemo than most people get. My doctor told me that during his 30 years as an oncologist he had never adminstered these drugs in such heavy doses before. Lucky me, huh?

My first chemo treatment was September 15th, 1998, a Tuesday. We arrived at the hospital early in the morning and they ushered us to a room. The nurses came in with all the admissions paperwork and took my blood pressure. I cannot remember the exact numbers but I can tell you that it was 170-something over 110 or in the 1-teens. That is EXTREMELY high. I never have felt so much anxiety in my life. They gave me a few minutes to calm down to get my blood pressure down and once it dropped below 90 on the low end, they started the IV.

My first regimen of chemo consisted of 2 drugs, adriamycin and cisplatin. Both were IV administered. The cisplatin was given as a drip over a day and a half, and the adriamycin was a "push". They used a huge syringe to put it into the IV and pushed it at a measured rate. The really freaky thing is that adriamycin is bright red. They call it the red devil.

I know it was mostly in my head, but when I say that line of red in the IV enter my arm, I could feel it hit my body. It was a horrid feeling. Like that full-body shudder you get when you think about eating something vile, or see someone throw up, or see a graphic picture, like of an open wound. I could taste it too. It was kind of a faint metalic taste, almost like chewing on aluminum but not that strong, kind of in the back of my throat.

I was in the hospital for 2 days, receiving cisplatin in a slow drip, and a push of adriamycin. They then sent me home overnight, and I went back the next day for a second adriamycin push.

This was the regimen for the next few months. 2-4 days in the hospital, then home for 3 weeks.

Rinse, repeat.

I cannot describe to you what chemo feels like. I am sure it is different for everyone, but for me the best way I can describe it is to imagine the worst flu you have ever had...the body aches, the runny nose, the woozy kinda half-awake half-passing out feeling, the head aches, but especially the body aches...then multiply that by about 1000. Everything hurts.

I could feel my hair, until I lost it anyway. How is that for weird. And it hurt. It was almost impossible to get comfortable, because it hurt to touch your skin...well hurt is not exactly right, it was like it was over-sensitive, like when you have a really strong fever, and it bugs you for anyone to touch your skin. It also made me feel restless, like I had ants crawling on me...not so much itchy as, well, squirmy maybe.

After about 2 days another disquieting sympton set in: my hearing and vision changed. I felt like I was in a tunnel, everything around the periphery of my vision was blurred, my hearing was like I was inside a tin can. Everything sounded muddled, no sharp tones, no highs and lows. Take your speaker system and turn the treble all the way down, and the bass all the way down, and the mid-range all the way up and that is close.

Another change was to my senses of taste and smell, and of course, nausea. The chemo attacks cells that are rapidly dividing, and the cells in your digestive tract (mouth, throat, stomach, intestines) replace themselves more frequently than any other cells in your body, which explains why chemo patients get sick - the chemo is actively attacking your gut, so you throw up. I could no longer taste sweet very well, and sour was muted too...so everything tasted salty and bitter. Ice cream, soda pop, chocolate, pizza, ketchup, everything. Ice cream has more salt in it than you think. I could taste it. And all I could smell after a time seemed to be the chemo itself.

Everything smelled, and tasted...I don't know...wrong. Just wrong.

With that change, and the fact that throwing up had become the norm, it was small wonder that I lost around 75 pounds while on chemo. I gravitated to foods that I expected to fit this profile anyway: salty and/or bitter. Dark chocolate was ok. I ate a lot of chicken soup and other broth-based soups, since they were expected to be salty. Pizza was ok too, but it upset my stomach.

I took anti-nausea pills (anti-emetics) to help with the nausea, but they were only partially effective. One of them was experimental at the time and cost more than $80 per pill. Crazy.

Along with all this come lethargy, weakness, mouth sores, sleeplessness and countless other annoyances, from little to big, that are things you might not think about when you think about someone having chemotherapy. At one point I had to go get my driver's license renewed, and in the photo I look like death warmed over. I could have passed for a 60-year old man who was not in good health.

Another intersting thing was that where they put in the IV in my arm for these first few chemo treatments I experienced calcification of the vein. You could feel it like a stick under my skin and see it as a dark line. The vein closed off and they had to find a new place to give me the chemo. This resulted in my second surgery, to implant a portacath.

It was implanted just under the skin on the upper right side of my chest, and attached to the muscle with a suture. The catheter was threaded around my collar bone and down straight into a vein leading into my heart. They accessed the portacath by jabbing a needly a little thicker than a thumbtack stright through the skin into the center of the portacath. There are lots of fun stories about this as well, that I might get to in another post...like the time the nurse was new to this and hesitated, then glanced the needle off the edge of the cath under my skin and jabbed it into my chest wall instead. FUN!

Here are a couple of pictures of the actual portacath they inserted into me, along with the needle marks from accessing it.

In this one you can see the needle punctures and even a gouge in the metal from when they "missed" when inserting the needle.

The worst part about the chemo was what it did to my psyche. I know that you truly cannot undestand if you have not been there. I felt like I was not really alive, but just kind of "there", and I did not want to be anywhere anymore. The worst thing probably was how my mood changed. Glynna remarks on this in her journal at that time. I felt dark. I was mad at God and ready to give up. The really bad thing is that for the next year, it did not get better. I had my moments, the times in between the chemo when I recovered somewhat, the good days (we were looking at some of the pictures from that time and remembering that good things happened that year too), like Halloween and Christmas. But in lots of ways I did not recover from that dark feeling.

Later my doctors would label it post-traumatic stress disorder, but that is another post.

On September 30th, my hair started falling out. Jordan and Glynna pulled it out in clumps. What was weird, and what you can see in these photos, is that it does not all come out. I learned that is because chemo drugs work by interrupting cellular mitosis, meaning they affect cells as they divide. Your hair follicles divide fairly regularly for your hair to grow. But some of your hair is "dormant" for a period of time, and so the chemo won't work on it. Here are some pictures of that time.





Now, here is the handsome devil we all know and love!

This first regimen of chemo lasted until a few weeks before Christmas, 1998. I had receovered enough to have a nice Christmas. I remember feeling ok, or as ok as I had up to that point. It was as good a time as we had during that year really.

The next trial was about to begin. That will be the topic of my next post, but to give you a sneak preview, I spent about a week in the hospital battling pneumonia caused by the chemo over New Year's.

And I will finish the story about chemo in another post. Sorry for the long read.

Facebook

I, along with the rest of my family, have become a facebook junky. It is great fun and a fantastic way to reconnect with old friends, make new friends, support one another...and PLAY. Well, I have totally neglected my 'blogging' because I have been too busy visiting and farming on facebook. (If you want to know about farming, just check out facebook.com . It is fun, but I hear there are a lot of other really fun games too, such as Vampire Wars and Fashion Wars, to name a few.) Sadly, I could not log on to the facebook site at this time, due to 'maintenance' issues or something like that. The good news is, HERE I AM AGAIN! Yeh!

On the second, I started a post entitled, 'Glynna's Health Log 2009'. I did not finish it and ended up deleting it, since it was old news, so I will give it a shot again. I thought if I am accountable to 'the internet world', maybe I will stick to my goals better. :)I am weighing in every Monday morning at the gym. My goal is 135 pounds. My highest weight was 225 pounds back in the early spring of 2005. My size 20 jeans were too tight for me so I was wearing elastic pants or sweats because I refused to purchase a size 22. I decided it was time to do something about this. I was uncomfortable and depressed all the time. I could not sleep very well because my hips and back hurt so I tossed and turned all night. I started walking with a friend/neighbor of mine in Fernley, NV. By May, I had lost 10 pounds and was down to 215 pounds. I could fit into my size 20 jeans again and I was just elated. I loved exercise again, but food (namely, chocolate and pastries) was a great challenge for me to control. So, I decided to join Weight Watchers. One year later, in June, 2006, I became a lifetime member of Weight Watchers and have been an advocate for the program ever since. Attending meetings faithfully was key for me. I loved the support and the valuable information taught each week, and, of course, I needed the accountability. All of the people who work for Weight Watchers 'have been there and done that' so they are terrific supporters. They totally understand how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. I even worked for WW for a few months. My ultimate goal is 135 pounds, but I set my Weight Watchers goal at 155 to become a lifetime member faster. I got my weight down to 147 pounds over the summer of 2006, I was a size 10, felt fabulous, and was sleeping through the night without a problem at all.

Anyway, about a year ago, or so, I started putting a little bit of weight back on. I have gained 20 pounds back. I weigh 167 pounds as of yesterday's weigh in. And, I know EXACTLY why. It is because I STOPPED ATTENDING WW MEETINGS EVERY SINGLE WEEK. For the past two weeks I have been back on track. I am exercising regularly and keeping track of what I am eating. I was a little frustrated that I did so well last week and did not lose one pound, but I know from past experience that if I persevere - and I will - that the weight will come off. This time I will not quit at 147 pounds (if my 40 year old body will allow it) and I will reach my real goal of 135 pounds.

Well, that is it for now...I've got to go see if I can get back on Facebook before the Daycare kids wake up from their naps...hee hee.

I hope you are all having a fabulous start to your new year! I certainly am. I know Chad is out of work right now and I only have two full-time daycare kids, but I have really enjoyed having Chad around. He and I are great friends. We really enjoy one another's company...and isn't that just how it should be in a marriage. I am very happy and very grateful. I love you honey!

Cancer Part 2 - Biopsy

(NOTE: As this is the 10 year anniversary of my diagnosis with, and treatment of Osteosarcoma, I thought I would recount my memories of the significant moments in that year. Read part 1 here.)

The date was August 6th 1998, coincidentally, and fortunately, 3 years to the very day that I started to work for Autoliv in Brigham City Utah. Fortuntately because after 3 years of service I was eligible for full short term disability, 80% of my salary, vs. just 40% is I went on disability any earlier. One of many blessings and miracles, if you choose to see it that way, that we experienced through this entire ordeal.

We had been referred to a neurosurgeon to consult on what to do about my tumor, discovered in the MRI I had in July. We were sent to a neurosurgeon because the MRI revealed that the tumor encased the nerve roots at C7, C8, T1, and T2 and partially at C6. By the way, this link gives a pretty darn good approximation of what they did when they fused my spine in February of 1999.

These are designations for vertebrae, particularly in the cervical spine (neck) and the thoracic spine (upper back). C6, C7, and C8 are the lower-most vertebrae in the cervical spine and the very next is T1, the top-most vertebra in the thoracic spine.

The nerves that come out of these vertebrae make up what is called the brachial plexus, a junction of the nerves that come out of the spine at the lower neck and upper back and go into your shoulder and arm. Most all of the nerves that control the arm come through the brachial plexus. My tumor was smack-dab in the middle of the brachial plexus and all of the nerves there went right through the tumor. Since the danger to damage these nerves was very great, a neurosurgeon was necessary to ensure that at little damage as possible was done.

August 6th we went in for the first of what would be several surgeries over the years. The plan was to go in above the colar bone and simply pull the tumor out. It was assumed that the tumor at this point was benign and that would likely mean it was like a balloon and could just be pulled out through a relatively small incision. Here is the scar this and subsequent surgeries left behind (luckily kind of hard to see, but more visible in real life).

I was nervous more than I thought I would be for this surgery. We just did not know what this would all mean to us, and the threat of cancer loomed, even though the doctor was reasonably confident it was not cancerous. Cancerous tumors in this part of the body were just too rare. The odds were against it being cancer. Still, I wondered.

The surgery lasted about 5 hours, pretty short compared to others I have had. In the end, the tumor was not like a balloon, it was more like a mass of peanut butter. It stuck to everything. The doctor did all he could to "debulk" the tumor to at least give me some relief of the pain that started all this off, and he took material for a biopsy. It turns out that "sticky" tumors indicate they are encroaching on surrounding tissue, meaning they are spreading aggressively, which is a prime indicator of cancer.

One interesting side effect of this surgery is that they cut nerves that control some of the autonomous functions on the left side of my head. My left eye droops just a little now, and I don't sweat on the left side of my head. It is literally like a line. When I work out or play basketball or whatever you can actually see a line on my forehead, sweat beads visible on the right side, dry as a bone on the left. This also means I overheat very easily since I do not sweat enough to cool my head down. I guess I have truly become a hot-head through all this!

I also am largely numb across the upper left part of my chest. This started with this surgery and got worse with other surgeries. Also, no hair grows there. Weird. The little things you just don't think about in situations like this. Really adds new meaning to "the devil is in the details".

I recovered just fine from the surgery. One rather funny memory is when I was in the hospital (I was there for about 3 or 4 days I think), and I was on pain meds. They had be hooked up to a machine that would dole out a specific dose of morphine when I pushed a button, then would not give me any more for a certain amount of time, then would give me another dose and so on. My sisters came to visit right after I had pushed that little button and I was somewhat loopy. I had a big grin on my face and they asked me if I was alright. I responded with "Now I know why they call it MORE-phine...cuz you just want more."

You take what laughs you can get, right?

I need to look up the exact date, but it was nearly a month later that we met again with the neurosurgeon. They had sent out the tumor material for testing and the results were grim. Glynna and I both sat in his office after he gave me a once-over to see how I was healing. He then sat down and told us that they tests had come back positive. The tumor was malignant.

Osteosarcoma, he said. Bone cancer.

We were both kind of in shock at that point. What do you say about that? The tears did not really come in force until we got home. I was scared, but I really had no idea how bad it would get. We were then referred to Dr. Alton Wagnon, my first oncologist.

I remember telling my dad. He was supportive and understanding and just awesome about the whole thing. My dad is just that way, one of the best people you could ever hope to know.

The news came as a pretty big shock for my whole family. My paternal grandmother had died of cancer when I was about 7. I could vaguely remember that. My brother-in-law, Art, had died of cancer while I was on my mission, a mere 7 years before, to the very month I received my diagnosis. I could not imagine how hard that was for my sister to relive some of that horrible time through me.

Uncertainty is a terrible feeling, and up to that point I really did not understand the phrase "all we have to fear is fear itself". Our lives changed dramatically on that day, in some ways for the better, and in other ways for the worse.

I turned 28 in 1998. And I graduated from college. My kids were 5, 3, and 1. I had been married for 6 years. And I had cancer.

Happy New Year 2009

Here I sit at one o'clock in the afternoon, barely out of bed, hair a mess, third rice krispy treat in hand, last night's make-up all over my face...(lovely image isn't it?), READY TO START MY NEW YEAR RIGHT...Hey, I did get dressed.

Not only am I blowing that 'fresh new start', but I am admitting it to the world...hang on a sec...I am having a muddy buddy attack...What kind of nut job am I?! Don't answer that.

Ok, ok, I admit it. I am not as witty as my husband or children, but at least I try. Hey! I have done two good things this fine new year! I got dressed and I tried to be witty. Whoo hoo!

We had a great Mormon celebration last night. Instead of waking up with hang-overs, we wake up with puzzle gut (as my mother-in-law calls it). Ya, we like to claim we are not addicts...and then someone shows up with a BIG bowl of muddy buddies...and someone else shows up with a mountain high tray of donuts...then someone else shows up with a lovely package of chocolates just screaming out my name...I mean your name...he he...Before you know it, it is 3am and you wish you could barf...Gee, that sure sounds a little teensy bit like a non-mormon celebration...he he...

Anyway, we did have a great party. I took lots of pictures, as usual, and irritated alot of people, as usual...hee hee. Hey, everyone just has to deal with the fact that I like memories. We had 16 people eating, playing a Wii bowling tournament, chatting, texting, eating some more, laughing, cleaning (Mom), and eating some more, etc. etc....It was great fun.

I told my family I would make crepes for breakfast on New Year's Day...no matter what time of day it was...but the only response I got when I mentioned making more sweet food was "Uuuuuhhgggghhhh". I took that as a "Please! No! Just shoot me before you put more sugar in my body!". Needless to say, we ate eggs instead.

I am officially part of facebook now so any of you out there who want to be my friend are invited...so far I have two friends...Angie and Kelly. I NEED FRIENDS!!! What I really need is to know how to create my own farm...That looked so fun.

Happy New Year 2009! Best wishes and lots of love to you all!

That's all folks...

Well, that's it.

My last day with Cummins passed with little fanfare. I got to say goodbye to everyone I worked with at the warehouse, and I was very happy to see that everyone was, for the most part, in a pretty positive mood. It was a little somber to say "Nice working with you. Glad I got to know you. Good luck." knowing most of them I would never see again. I didn't shed any tears until the drive home, and I think that was mostly just letting the stress out.

I guess on the plus side there is no more winter commute. Save gas too. Also, I may have a chance to sleep in for a while. That would be nice. And...no more meetings! Woohoo! Well, that's about all I can think of for the bright side kind of stuff, pretty lame huh?

I truly enjoyed my almost 2 years with Cummins and honestly do not hold any bitter feelings for them letting us go. It is just business after all. I just hope this round of cuts was enough and no one else will have to lose their jobs. That no one else will have to wonder what comes next far sooner than they should have to worry about that.

I have put out some feelers, and have been contacted by a couple of head-hunters, but nothing concrete has come along yet as far as jobs are concerned. I am hopeful about a possibility in Phoenix which is the best lead yet. I am sure I will hear more from them after the holiday, but you never know, right. All that stuff about counting your chickens applies here.

The one thing that will make this a harder transition is that if I am going to have a real chance at finding something quickly, then we will likely be moving again. Very few jobs in my field at my level in Utah, far more in other states. As long as I recognize that I can at least focus my search in the southern lattitudes. It will make it a little less painful on Glynna to at least move where it is warm.

Of course, the first and best plan is to stay put, let the kids finish out school here. This next move will be hardest on them. Glynna and I knew going into it that moving up in my career would likely mean moving, and we are adventurous enough that it is actually something we enjoy. But we have to think of the kids too. For them it will be harder. We have uprooted them enough. God willing, we will stay here.

I have checked most all job boards I can think of, and have even registered with a few pay sites, like The Ladders. (that link should take you to my resume....if you know anyone looking for a logistics manager, feel free to pass it along =) I am pretty confident something will come my way, hopefully before the severance package ends. If not, all we can do is put it in God's hands and trust that he has better things in store for us, whatever they may be.

So goodbye Cummins. I will miss everyone I worked with. It was the best job I have ever had...

...so far!

Merry Christmas 2008

I hope anyone who read my last post knows I was just kidding about the title, "Stop the World, I want to get off!" I know sometimes we all feel like that, but overall, I have a very good life. I have so much to be thankful for. I am married to my best friend. I love being with him. We have alot of fun together. He makes me laugh just about on a daily basis. I am so impressed with how intelligent and witty he is. I hope my children take more after him than me. I did well in school because I worked my butt off, but learning new things does not just come naturally for me. I have to work hard to get information to stick in my brain. That may have something to do with having four children too... (wink).

******

Anyway, I did not get a chance in my last blog to share any info about our Christmas holiday. We had a great Christmas day. Jordan had to go on a scavenger hunt to find his Santa gift and Duncan had to dig through a big box of shredded newspaper to find his. We like to keep things fun...or should I say, Santa likes to keep things fun.

I gave myself a fabulous Christmas present. I did not cook or clean or even get dressed the entire day. It was AWESOME! I went to breakfast at my sister-in-laws in my PJ's and even went to Dennys for Christmas dinner in my PJ's. Ok, I admit, I was a teensy bit embarrassed...but I did it anyway. Ya, I like to live on the wild side now and then. Emily, Duncan, and Annie joined me in my Christmas Pajama Day and they were pretty embarrassed at Dennys too. It was funny. I did feel a little guilty about making people work on Christmas Day.

Well, one of my daycare kids in napping here in the office and I don't want to wake her up so I am going to make this a short post, but later I will get back on and post about my weight loss efforts...they are sad...very, very sad...yurk.

Stop the world, I want to get off!

Long time, no blog. How many times can I use "busy" as my excuse for everything? In fact, December 2008 has just been a whirlwind for me. Thanksgiving was here only a moment ago and now the New Year is around the corner. Did Christmas even happen? Well, my photos are proof that it did. I warned all of the Todd family that I had four years of holiday photos to make up. They did bear it, but I can't guarantee they were grinning about it. ;P I will take this opportunity now to thank all of you for being gracious about my photo frenzy over the past several weeks and to thank those of you who found photos to share with me due to my very devastating loss.

I hope your holidays were happy. Considering the crazy past few weeks we have experienced, our holiday was nice. You have all heard the phrase, "when it rains it pours". Well, boy have I got a CRAZY example of that! It is so crazy I feel more like laughing about it than crying! First of all, at the beginning of the month I lost a family of three kids that I was prepaid for (meaning that I depended on a fairly large sum of money at the beginning of the month which I did not receive), then, Chad's car, which is not even two years old, broke down on our way to a business dinner in Salt Lake, (Chad's parents had to come from Ogden to pick us up that night and then go back the next morning to tow Chad's car back to the dealer for repairs), then Chad was abruptly informed that his facility was closing and all of the employees, including himself, were being let go at the end of the month, then our furnace quit working...HELLO! December...cold..., and then all of our favorite grandpa-and apparently, a favorite for many people-died.

The good ending to this story is that Grandpa and Grandma are reunited...and I got to have all of my siblings and my Mom and Dan, not to mention my cousins, Kyle and Brenda, all in my home at the same time. That part was fabulous...especially listening to Blaine and Bryn sing, smelling Theresa's amazing cooking, and watching Angie harvest crops and blood online...hee hee. (If you want details on the blood thing, you'll have to ask her...hee hee)

I'm not complaining. It has just been a crazy month. As always, my blogs are late at night and I have a lesson to teach tomorrow. Thank goodness next week our church meetings will be starting at one o'clock in the afternoon. Whoo hoo! I love afternoon church. What else can you do on Sunday? Hello! Sleep in! ha ha.

Anyway, Chad has been giving me a photo posting lesson. I was going to post some Christmas photos as well, but we are having a few technical difficulties so Chad will figure out the problems and I will post Christmas photos next time. I will explain the four I did actually upload to the blog.

The first one is of Chad with his crew at the Cummins facility in Salt Lake. The second one is of Bodie being taught to leave no evidence of dessert...cake? What cake? The third is a photo of my mom, sisters, and me.

Love you all!

Hey, while we were all together, why didn't we take a sibling photo?! Poop! (Is that ok to say on the Internet?...HAHAHA), and, thank you, Jesse, for the lovely little goodbye gift on Theresa's rental. Those cute little snowmen did not last though. Shortly after your departure, Chad started using the poor little guys as snowballs. Aaaaah...